The Beagles: Shepard-Sandburg Merger

Good-bye Astros and Eagles. Hello the Barking Beagles!

Announcing the Shepard-Sandburg Merger

“The merger plans are complete and ratified. Beginning with the Class of 2029 in the Fall of 2024, the era of the Beagles with begin.” Now you know who let the dogs out. Woof-woof!

Alan B. Shepard High School and Carl Sandburg High School will join as one “super-school,” with the Shepard building serving as a freshman-sophomore campus and the Sandburg building serving juniors and seniors.

Reasons given by staff for the merger included lower enrollment due to the fact that students, “Are learning everything they need to know from social media. Most students haven’t read a physical book in decades, and so school, for them, is less necessary.” Other reasons included budgets, box scores, and weather.

The mascot, the “Beagles” is thanks to both the astronaut and poet being dog people. “Everyone likes that famous beagle, Snoopy. It just made sense as we try to increase the popularity of our school,” said one District 218 official unwilling to go on record. The long-deceased creator of Snoopy, cartoonist Charles M. Schulz, did not return our calls and was unavailable for comment.

“We expect school morale to increase and standardized scores to triple with this change,” the unnamed official continued.

Further research showed how many people read and react to headlines without actually reading the full article, making this gag possible. April Fool’s!

If you attended or worked for Shepard, join us.

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